A great new software announcement!!! This memo is to announce the development of a new software system.
We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS."
Subject: *** Scientific News Flash ***
Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them lost all
sense of reasoning, started talking nonsense, and couldn't drive.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there playing around on email
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices.
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses, because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milkcrates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister. Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks
to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to
have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the
confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong
move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for
who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure
what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been
attached to my body for six hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient.
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien
possession' defense is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most. I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked
at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.' It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long. I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg. The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service.
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future.
On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his
office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You
wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!'
And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek.
DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS
1. The Cat in the Blender
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Feels a Ho
6. The Lemon Fresh Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch's Ten Inches
- Submitted By Boneswish
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf!", says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf!", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf!", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad
Wolf jumps up and screams "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!"
This woman is in the hospital in a coma. The nurses are giving her a bath. They wash her arms,
legs, face, etc., with no response from the woman. But when they wash her genitalia, they think
they notice a response. They try it again, and again think they notice a response from the woman.
They get all excited and run out to the woman's husband in the waiting room. They tell him what
happened and say 'If you could go in there and have oral sex with her, it could bring her out of her
coma". The husband says "Oh, I don't know." But the nurses say "Oh, don't worry, we'll draw
the curtain and close the door so you have privacy. This could really help your wife!" So he
agrees and in the room he goes. The nurses are at their station watching the woman's heart
monitor when all of a sudden the EKG line goes flat. They go rushing into the woman's room.
"Oh my God, what happened?" they say to the husband. He says "I don't know. I think she
choked to death."
"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that
she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in
fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there
in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came
right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the
meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke?
That's a breakfast?"
Subject: Signs in the World
These signs and notices written in English were discovered throughout the world by airline
In a Tokyo Hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not
to read notis."
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up."
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
"To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each
one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
In a Paris hotel elevator:
"Please leave your values at the front desk."
In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and
writers are buried daily except Thursday."
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
"Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger;
roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
Outside a Hong Kong tailer shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
"Drop your trousers here for best results."
Outside a Paris dress shop:
"Dresses for street walking."
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance,
men and women, live togetherin one tent unless they are married with each other for that
In a Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is
suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."
In a Swiss mountain inn:
"Special today -- no ice cream."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
"We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
In a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
In the office of a Roman doctor:
"Specialist in women and other diseases."
From a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if
he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
"English well speaking."
"Here speeching American."
In a Pasco market, a notice on fly-paper from Hong Kong:
"Perfect for flies and other insect pets."
Japanese English-student poetry:
"I smiling livingly."
A dedicated UPS (United Parcel Service) union worker was attending a
convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check
out the local brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a
more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the dame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked,
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly
attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese sixty-five year-old
woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Blonde Medical Terminology
Artery -- study of paintings
Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarian section -- district in Rome
Cat scan -- searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- sheep dog
Coma -- a punctuation mark
Congenital -- friendly
D&C -- where Washington is
Dilate -- to live long
Enema -- not a friend
Fester -- quicker
Fibula -- a small lie
Genital -- non-Jewish
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Labor pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances furtively down the hall, closes the
door, and kneels looking at him pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes
meaningly into his eyes. " I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze, "Anything?"
"Anything." she replies.
His voice softens. "Anything????"
She smiles mischievously, "Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper, "Would you......study?"
A woman applies for the maid's job at a rich Jewish home. The butler tells her Jewish customs are
"Just about this time of year the have a New Years party."
"Do tell" says the would be made.
And they have a big dinner. And then the master of the house gives thanks and blows the
And the woman asks, "If that's how he be treatin' the chauffeur, how be he
treatin' the maid?"
A woman was driving along a country road when all of a sudden a rabbit darted out in front of her car. She swerved and braked sharply to try to avoid hitting it but to no avail. She pulled the car to the side of the road and walked back to where it lay. As she stood there bent over the corpse she said "Oh, you poor bunny. I'm so sorry!"
A man stopped his car and got out to see if he could help. "What's the problem here lady?"
"Oh, I hit this bunny rabbit and l feel so terrible," she replied
"Wait a minute. I have something that will help this rabbit," he said. He went back to his car and returned with a small bottle and proceeded to pour a few drops into its mouth. All of a sudden the rabbit opened its eyes and began to hop away -- stopping every few feet to turn and wave at them. It kept doing this until it was out of sight. The woman was flabbergasted. "I never saw anything like that before in my life! What on earth did you give that rabbit?"
"Oh, just some hare restorer with built-in permanent wave."
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on
the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they
were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
ANSWER: The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus or a
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident.
The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker's
Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed
15 Telltale mouse ears on his new "yarmulke."
14 Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished that was even remotely religious.
13 Thinks that the Torah is something you wear to a frat party.
12 Comes back wearing a "Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not the night-life!" T-shirt.
11 You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at Santa Anita Racetrack.
10 Kareem in Accounting keeps calling it "Yom Shakur."
9 As far as you know, circumcisions don't "grow back."
8 Doesn't know the difference between Hebrew and Home-brew.
7 She's complaining that Kathie Lee isn't really on all Carnival Cruises.
6 Claims he was observing "Chaka Khan."
5 Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls.
4 Thinks "Rosh Hashanah" is a song by The Knack.
3 His yarmulke has two cans of beer and a drinking straw.
2 "And if the rabbi sees his shadow when he comes out of the temple, there'll be four more months of summer."
and the Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed...
1 Took off all of *last* month for Ramadan.
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer
and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox
room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a
few minutes ago."
Thought this was pretty good, if you have seen the movie "Fargo".
"You Betcha yer from the UP When........
You only have three spices.....salt, pepper and Ketchup.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You know Eino and Toivo personally.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over your snowmobile suits.
You feel warm and toasty at -12 degrees.
You know the four seasons---winter, still winter, not winter, and
Though you aren't breaking the law, you break into a cold sweat when
the game warden appears.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
You think the opening of deer season is a National Holiday.
You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
You find -40 degrees only a mite chilly.
You think everyone from a different state has an accent.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
You find it exciting to stare through a hole in the ice looking for fish.
You think white rice is exotic and wild rice is a hot dish.
Somewhere in the state is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it.
You think new jumper cables are an excellent wedding gift.
You know what to do with a plug hanging out of the front end of the car.
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is this Bricklayer's report ... a true story.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
A Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks
what he does for a living.
Neighbor 1: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Man: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I
deduce that you have a dog."
Man: "That is right"
Neighbor 1: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Man: "Right again"
Neighbor 1: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "And since you have a wife I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "That is deductive reasoning"
Later that same day...:
Man: "Hey I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy"
Man: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do "
Man: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Man: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the priest to talk with the boys and he agreed.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and they think we did it