Stuck
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he smirked. "Yes!", said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!", he cried. "But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do. He's in too far."
Sign Language
Three men were invited to give a talk at a conference for the hearing impaired. On stage before the show, the three of them talked together. They wanted to add a little something in sign lanuage to their talks.
The first guy stood up to speak. He grabbed his boobs and then grabed his crotch. Then he gave he rest of his speech. When he sat down, his friends said "What was THAT at the beginning of your talk?" "I started my speech with 'Ladies and Gentlemen'", he said.
The second guy got up to speak. He put two fingers up behind his head (like horns), grabbed his boobs, grabbed his crotch and gave his talk. His friends said "What the heck was THAT"? He said "I started with Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
The third guy got up to speak. He put two fingers behind his head (like horns), grabbed his boobs, grabbed his crotch, pulled his pants down and masturbated in front of the whole audience! Then he gave his talk. His friends said "What the hell did you DO?" He said "I started out with Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, It gives me great pleasure..."!
Painting
Some patrons at an art exhibit were gathered around discussing a painting. The artist walked up and said "Is there something you don't understand"? One of the people said "Well you painted three black men nude, but the end men have black penises and the middle guy has a pink penis. Why is that"?
"Oh, no", the painter said, "You're interpreting it incorrectly. Those are three coal miners and the middle one was just home for lunch"!
Chicken
A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Me and my chicken."
The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm. The woman sitting next to him watches. Pretty soon she elbows her friend sitting on the other side of her and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"
Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all."
She says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
School Days
School Days
Tommy had reached school age. His Mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on. Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for ?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What, again ?" he said.
Three nuns
Three nuns had lived together for a while. They were in a car accident and died. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said "Wait a minute, sisters. Before you go in I have to ask you a question." He called the first nun to him. The other two sat and listened. He said "Sister, have you ever touched a man's penis?" "Weeelll, yes, I have" she said, "but just with this one finger!" "OK", he said, "go and swirl your finger in that holy water and then you can go in." She did and in she went. St. Peter called the second nun to him. The third one sat and listened. "Sister," he said "have you ever touched a man's penis?" Before she could answer, the third nun jumped up and ran over. "Listen, St. Peter." she said. "I'm going to have to gargle with that holy water before she swishes her fat ass through it!"
A letter for your alcoholic friends
The Reverend Edward Simmons
Rescue Mission Rd.
Calumet, MI 49913
Dear Brother:
Perhaps you,ve heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of temperance. Each year for the past fourteen, I have made tours of Florida, Georgia, Illinois, and especially Michigan, delivering a series of lectures on the evils of drinking.
On these tours I have been accompanied by my young friend and assistant, Clyde Lindstrom. Clyde, a young man from a good family and excellent background, was a pathetic example of a life ruined by excessive indulgence in liquor and women.
Clyde would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the stage, wheezing, staring at the audience through bleary and blood shot eyes, swearing profusely, picking his nose, passing gas and making obscene gestures. I would point him out as an example of what over-indulgence can do to a person!
Unfortuantely, Clyde died last fall. A mutual friend has given me your name and I wonder if you would available to take Clyde's place on my 1998 tour?
Faithfully yours,
Edward Simmons
Rescue Mission East
A list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone (on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the polo grounds, etc).
1) Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)... but at least I have her skin to remember her by.
2) Have you ever tried cat meat?
3) I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really miss me.
4) Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!
5) I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.
6) I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!
7) The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!
8) (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?
9) I puked on the last person who flew next to me.
10) My butt reeeally itches!
11) Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!
12) My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.
13) The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.
14) Would you hold this messy kleenex for me?
15) I stepped in dog shit AGAIN?!
16) I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?
17) My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore.
18) Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!
19) Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!
20) Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?
21) I get a proctological exam once a week, whether I need it or not!
22) This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.
23) Oh damn, my diaper's wet again!
24) If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up.
25) Wanna buy a gerbil?
26) Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there right behind the Savior David!
27) Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.
28) Wow, they could charge for that cavity search they gave me at the border!
29) I've just been treated for tapeworms.
30) Don Knotts is my favorite actor!
31) I work for the city of San Gabriel and I drive a garbage truck.
32) The pilot and I were in the same drug rehab clinic - he was doing much better when I left a couple days ago.
33) Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?
34) I collect aluminum foil.
35) Ya know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!
36) I work in a landfill.
37) I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.
38) I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!
39) I work on a Japanese whaling ship.
40) (With Arkansas accent) Hey, if me and my wife get divorced, are we
still legally brother and sister?
THE MONKEY
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey
grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats
them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in
his
mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?"~ The guy says, "No, what?"~
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron, "He eats everything
in
sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's
in the
bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the
monkey
starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his
drink, the
monkey finds a marachino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his
butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.~ Now what?", responds
the
patron.~
Well, he stuck a marachino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and
ate
it!", says the barkeeper. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the
patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that
damn
cue ball he measures everything first!"
THE PARROT SPY
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says "He did?"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hardon and fell off my perch."
THE REVEREND'S WIFE TELLS ABOUT HER DAY:
The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus
bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't
notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who
love Jesus. \\'hy the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord
because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ"! as loud as he could. It
was like a football game, with his shouting , "Go Jesus Christ Go"!: everyone else started honking
too. So I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must
have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a
sunny beach and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I
had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed looked at each other,
giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their
cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light
had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did 'cause I was the only car to get
across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave
them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
PRAISE THE LORD FOR SUCH WONDERFUL FOLKS!!
LOOKING FOR MR. RIGHT
There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were physically abusive, who ran
away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she placed an ad in the local paper, seeking a man who:
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a
man alive who could live up to those expectations, so she just gave up.
Then, one day she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a
man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper."
"What ad?" she asked, having nearly forgotten what she had asked for...
"The personal ad," he replied. "As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from
you."
The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?"
And the man said with a grin on his face, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
SUPPOSITORY
Evidently, the nurse had gone into the patient's room to administer the suppository, but realized
that she had forgotten a finger cot. So she laid the suppository on the
stand next to the patient's bed and left the room to get the
finger cot. When the nurse returned, the cantankerous patient was
motioning to her and asking her, in a raspy voice, for a
glass of water. Upon returning with the glass of water, the nurse went to
get the suppository only to notice that it was gone.
When she asked the patient about it, he responded, "Of course I swallowed
it!! What did you want me to do with it? Stick it up my ass?"
OH OH!
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a
few minutes ago."
NATALIE
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled
and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else... "No, I must see
Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The
man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to
a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come
back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man
took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"The old man
replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I
know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
SEX THROUGH THE AGES
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him when your firstmarried, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers and you have it, maybe once a week or so. Then, as youget older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year- maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow the asked his grandfather, "well, how about you and grandma now.? His
grandfather replied, "oh, we just have oral sex now." "What"s oral sex.?" the young fellow
asked. "Well", grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom, She
yells, "FUCK YOU," and I holler back "FUCK YOU TOO."
BIG BUCKS
This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to have a $100 dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The
tattoo artist asks why in the hell he wants that on his member.
The guy replies that he likes to play with his money, likes to watch his money grow and best of
all, his wife can blow a 100 bucks without leaving the house.
FANTASY
A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver
keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror.
She says, "What is it my son?"
The cabbie replies, "Oh, I'm too embarrassed to say, sister."
She says,"Please, feel free to say anything. I've been a nun for many years and not too many
things surprise me anymore."
The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had this overwhelming fantasy to get a blowjob from a
nun. Oh, I'm so ashamed!"
The nun says, "That's okay, I understand the need of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions:
one, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married."
The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!"
So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie.
As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying.
She says, "What's wrong, my son?"
He says, "Sister, I lied. I'm jewish and I'm married!"
She says, "That's okay. My name's Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
THE WORLD'S 25 SHORTEST BOOKS
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
And the number one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
SANTA
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all
over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on
strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to
find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to pass. . . . .
PERFORMANCE
Three women were sitting around talking about their husband's performance as lovers...
The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
"IRISHMANS BROTHERS"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh,
no." he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
LAWYER
A Local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. " Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did our research also show that my
mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual
income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ....no."
"--- or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out and apology but was interrupted," ---- or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the layer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless
with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "---so if I don't give any money to them, why should
I give any to you?!"
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
December 14th
Dearest Pam:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a Pear tree. What a delightful
gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Tom
--------------------------------------
December 15th
Dearest Pam:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves.... I'm just
delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Tom
------------------
December 16th
Dear Pam:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve Such generosity. Three
french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love,
Tom
------------------
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you
think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Tom
---------------------
December 18th
Dearest Pam:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, Pam, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my
nerves.
All my love,
Tom
----------------
December 19th
Dear Pam:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back
to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially,
Tom
------------------------------
December 20th
Pam:
What's with you and birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this?
There's bird doo-doo all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I
can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those damn birds.
Sincerely,
Tom
--------------------------
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not
enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam
cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me and never
call me again.
Tom
----------------
December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours. I'm calling
the police.
Tom McCallister
---------------------------
December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the IRS on you.
One who means it,
Ms. Tom McCallister
--------------------
December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of
those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been
committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy,
You goddam know who
--------------------------------------
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict
on our client, Miss Tom McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence
should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find
attached a warrant for your arrest.
MARS
Mike and Maureen landed on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make
money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks the Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member -
about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and
wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk
along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was OK," he replies, "but a little weird. The whole time she was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates
waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something
"Christmassy." in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree.
He is let in.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night.
So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks,
"How do these represent Christmas?"
To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."
THE UNOFFICIAL YOOPER GUIDE TO COMPUTER TERMS
LOG ON: Making da wood stove hotter at camp.
LOG OFF: Don't add no wood.> MONITOR: Keep an eye on da wood stove after you log on and open da draft.
MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning.
FLOPPY DISK: What you get from piling too much wood.
RAM: Da hydraulic ting that makes da wood splitter work.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home durin' most of da winter in da yooper land.
PROMPT: What you wish da mail was during da snowy season.
ENTER: Come on in, eh!
WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets ten below.
SCREEN: What is a must during da black fly season.
BYTE: What dem black flies do.
CHIP: What you munch on during da Packer game.
MICRO CHIP: What you have left in the da bag when da chips are gone.
MODEM: What you did to da hayfield last July.
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Where da grandkits sit.
KEYBOARD: Where you are supposed to hang all your keys so wifee can find dem.
SOFTWARE: Dem plastic picnic utensils.
MOUSE: Dem buggers what eatss the horse gain in da barn.
MAIN FRAME: Da part of da sauna what holds up da roof.
PORT: Where da commerical fish boats park.
RANDOM ACCESS
MEMORY: When you can't remember how much you spent on da new deer rifle when wifee
asks about it.
FIREHOUSE:
A man who worked for a fire station came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.
From now on we're going to run this house the same way.
When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked.
When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed, and
When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled
"Bell 1" and his wife took off her clothes. He then yelled
"Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed. Then he yelled
"Bell 3" and they began to make love
After 2 minutes, his wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked "What's this Bell 4???" And
the wife replied "More Hose!!! You're nowhere near the fire!"
HAIRSPRAY
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I
know. That's from your grandma."