Jim's Joke Page

Jokes from EMail

These are some of the jokes we've received through our email over the past year. I thought you might enjoy them. The latest jokes are added at the top of the page. The last addition was June 13, 1997

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.

3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

TOP FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

What Not to Name Your Dog

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Now Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old!!" He said, "You must have been quite a kid".

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night!" Then the clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I said, "I had planned to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!!" The Judge said, "Me too". Then I told him that after I was married that Sex had left me. He said "Me too". Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning. I said looking for Sex. My case comes up Monday........

Sharon Crittenden, a coworker and friend, (By the way, her husband, John gets the credit for sending me most of the jokes on this page) hated being called a lab aide and insisted on lab assistant. So I tease her and call her the ASSistant. Today she sent me this email joke...

Subject: Who's in Charge

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge."

Then the asshole said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the asshole closed up.

After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the asshole in charge.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

A man was in heaven. He and God were just chatting. "I suppose when you're God, time goes pretty fast." the man said. "Oh, yes," said God. "Eternity to me is like a second to you." "I suppose it's the same way with money." said the man. "Oh, yes", said God. "A million dollars to me is like a penny to you." "Well, then, give me a million dollars." said the man. "Wait a second." said God.

A man went to a doctor. "My wife has lost all interest in sex." he said. "Here," said the doctor, "put a few drops of this medicine in her coffee in the morning." The first morning, he put 2 drops in her coffee. Nothing happened. The next morning he put 4 drops in her coffee. Nothing happened. The third morning he thought, "What the hell." he put half of what was left in her coffee and the other half in his own coffee. They drank. His wife's eyes opened wide and she said "I need a man right now!" He said "Funny, so do I."

Here is a humorous write up regarding the Sotware/Hardware Upgrade!

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: * A "Don't remind me again" button * Minimize button * An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. * An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another annoying problem -- all versions of GirlFriend continually popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney and various cache files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources. ***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

On a vacation in a high rise hotel, Sol was in the elevator when a woman entered the car who was, shall we say, "an exciting woman." She asked Sol if he was interested in a fun evening. Sol asked how much it would cost him. The woman answered, "$500." To which Sol replied, "Sorry, that's way too much." So she asked him how much he would be willing to pay. He ventured "$250?" and she declined. They parted company. The next day Sol was in the elevator with his wife. The elevator door opened and there was the woman from the previous day. She entered the elevator and looked Sol and his wife up and down. Then she whispered into Sol's ear, "See what you get for $250?"

A down stater was sitting at the bar in Republic and asked the bartender if he would like to hear a Finnlander joke. The bartender leaned over and said, "Do you see that guy in the corner? He is the local sheriff, and he is a Finn. The man at end of the bar works for the DNR and he is a Finn. And buddy, I myself am of Finnish descent. Now, are you sure you still want to tell a Finnlander joke?" The down stater replied, "No, not if I have to explain it three times."

Eino and Toivo were sitting in da two holer when a quarter fell out of Eino's pants and down the hole. So, he took a five dollar bill and tossed that in, too. "Holy Sitt, Eino, what didya do that for?", said Toivo. Eino answered, "Well, you don't expect me to go down dere for just a quarter."

Lempi took a job with Odovero Construction to paint lines on M28. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed. The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet. The boss sat him down and said," Lempi, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?". Lempi replied, "Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can".

Teemu and Eino were driving their pickup truck to Michigammee. When they got to the traffic light in Negaunee, Teemu drove right through the red light. Eino cried, "Holywha, Teemu, what are you doing?" Teemu kept driving and replied, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive". When they got to the light in Ishpeming, Teemu drove through another red light. Eino asked, "Why do you keep running red lights?". Teemu said, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive". When they got to the light in West Ishpeming, Teemu slammed on the brakes and screeched to a halt at a green light. Eino asked, "Teemu, why do you drive through red lights but stop at green lights?". Teemu replied, "My brother might be coming the other way".

An Italian, a Chippewa Indian and Toivo were hunting together in the Porkies and got lost. After many hours of wandering around trying to find their way back to camp, a genie appeared and said he would grant them each a wish. The Italian answered, "I wish I was back in Kingsford with my family". Poof! He was gone. The Chippewa said,"I wish I was back in Baraga with my tribe". Poof! He was gone. The genie turned to Toivo and asked him what his wish was. Toivo thought about it for a minute and said, "Boy, I really miss those guys, I wish they were back here with me".

Eino and Toivo were roofing their new deer camp out in Engadine. Every now and then Eino would take one of the nails and throw it to the ground. Toivo finally asked, "Hey Eino, what are you doing dat for?". Eino replied,"Some of these nails have da heads on the wrong side, so I am throwing dem away." Toivo chuckled and said, "Eino you dumb sitt! Dose nails are for da otter side of da house".

Toivo was at the bar in Channing drinking a Stroh's and watch the Packers on the television when a big tall rancher from Texas came strolling in. The Texan started drinking and bragging to Toivo about how much money he made and how many head of cattle he owned. He said to Toivo in a loud voice, "I can drive all day and never reach the end of my property!". Toivo replied, "Yah, I got a pickup like dat to, mister."

So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton --

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

A lady goes to her priest and says, "Father, I have a terrible problem. I own two female talking parrots, but the only thing they can say is, 'Hi, We are prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" The priest says, "That is terrible. Just by luck, I own two talking male parrots whom I have trained to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over tomorrow and we will soon have them straightened out." The lady brings her two parrots over to the priests' residence. The two male parrots were in their cage, holding rosary beads in their claws. As soon as the female parrots spotted the mail parrots they announced: "Hi, We are prostitutes. Want to have some fun?" The male parrots looked at each other and one of them said, "Get rid of the rosary beads. Our prayers have been answered."

Comparative Analysis of World Religious Philosophies

TAOISM.........................................................Shit Happens

CONFUCIANISM...........................................Confucius say, "Shit Happen."

BUDDHISM....................................................If Shit Happens, it really isn't Shit.

ZEN.................................................................What is the sound of Shit Happening?

HINDUISM......................................................This Shit Happened before.

ISLAM.............................................................If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah.

PROTESTANTISM.........................................Let Shit Happen to someone else.

CATHOLICISM..............................................If Shit Happens, you deserve it.

JUDAISM........................................................Why does Shit always Happen to us?

ATHEISM........................................................Shit Happens for no apparent reason.

AGNOSTICISM...............................................Farts Happen.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESS...................................Let us in and we'll tell you why Shit Happens.

HARE KRISHNA.............................................Shit Happens Shit Happens Shit Shit Happens

PAGANISM......................................................Shit is part of the Goddess, too.

SCIENTOLOGY...............................................Feces Occurs.

These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

16. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

17. Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

18. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

19. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

20. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

This is worth your time - I just had a great laugh - especially since it's for real.

Ok, the story behind this: There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!

Anyway... here's a letter from the Smithsonian Institute from when he sent them a Barbie doll head.

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination and we regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loath to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expound on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities

Title: 'Finnomics' works for him!

To the editor: How glat I vaz ven I hurt bout maybe ve get new vey speek inklish! Sins vest coast get tock ebonics, now after all dis time we get tock Finnomics! Hooie boy I ben vating dis! Now kits kin rite goot essae ant get good marks inklish, skoool! Peeples kin do bizznes ant camunucate at hire lefel! Ust think, a hole part contry ver vee all tak same! Rite same! Lets all get gedder, go mall and tak bout dis!

Yors trooly,

Reed Harjala

Calumet

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

A lady moves to Rural Wisconsin from back country Arkansas with her 17 year old son. The parson comes to call. He has a little trouble at first with her thick accent but they're having a nice chat and cup of tea. He looks out the window and sees this huge boy plowing by pushing the plow himself. He comes to a big stump and stops. Then he pulls the stump out in one big yank, throws it toward the wood pile and it shatters into a bunch of firewood sized pieces. The Parson shakes his head in amazement and says, "Mam, I'll bet someday soon that boy of yours is going to be playing with the Green Bay Packers." She shakes her head and says, "Naw. He's a good boy. Don't play with nobody's packer but his own."....

Subject: New Languages

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA

Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics ("Ebony" + "Phonics")

Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics

Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics

Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)

Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics

Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics

Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics

Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics

Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics

Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics

Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics

Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics

German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)

French-American Speak -- Cornichonics (or Escargonics)

Oakland-School-Board Speak -- Moronics

And cats? Catatonics, of course.

Subject: Jesus Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is coming!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward. "Jesus is coming," the voice boomed again. The frightened burglar stopped dead. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Are you the one who said Jesus is coming?" "Yes, I am" replied the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he said, "I'm a burglar." "I'm Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "Who named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same guy who named the doberman Jesus."

Some new meanings to old acronyms

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing

APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI System Can't See It

DOS Defunct Operating System

BASIC Bill's Seize Industry Control

IBM I Blame Microsoft

DEC Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash: If Not, The Operating System Hangs

I found the following in Ann Landers' column in Sunday's Washington Post. The person who sent them in said he found them on the internet. It's a compilation of excerpts from the classified sections of city newspapers.

Illiterate? Write today for help.

Auto Repair Service. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and Save! Limit one per customer.

For sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Three-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: Six room hated apartment.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.

Man, honest, will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

The Golden Years Have Come at Last. I Cannot See, I Cannot Pee, Cannot Chew, Cannot Screw. My Memory Shrinks, My Hearing Stinks. No Sense of Smell. I Look like Hell! My Body Is Drooping, I Got Trouble Pooping. The Golden Years Have Come at Last. The Golden Years Can Kiss My Ass!!!!!!!!!

A woman went to a tattoo parlor and said ahe wanted a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh, and a tattoo of a Christmas tree on the other thigh. The tattoo guy said "Well, OK, but why?" She said "My husband's always complaining ther's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, 'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 722-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front. I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants guilty as charged, and a couple of jerks!"

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of "fuck".

Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

Greetings: How the fuck are you?

Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.

Dismay: Oh, fuck it!

Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.

Aggression: Fuck you.

Disgust: Fuck me.

Confusion: What the fuck...?

Difficulty: I don't understand this fucking business.

Despair: Fucked again.

Incompetence: He fucks up everything.

Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here?

Lost: Where the fuck are we?

Disbelief: Unfuckingbelieveable.

Retaliation: Up your fucking ass.

Telling time: I have to work till 5 o-fucking-clock.

It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."

It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."

It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"

It can be maternal -- as in "Motherfucker".

It can be political -- "Fuck George Bush."

And, never forget General Custer's last words: "Where did all them fucking Indians come from?"

Or the Mayor of Hiroshima: "What the fuck was that?"

And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic: "Where is all this fucking water coming from?"

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say fuck?

Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige. Today - say to someone "Fuck You!"

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

The fifth surgeon said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and butts are interchangeable!"

The Epic of the Baked Bean

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married. Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner for you tonight." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room. Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold and said, "Here's your surprise. My whole family is here."

DEEP THOUGHTS BY JACK HANDEY If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. ========== If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." ========== To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." ========== One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. ========== The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. ========== If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." ========== Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. ========== I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. ========== If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." ========== If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. ========== Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. ========== To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. ========== I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. ========== If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat). ========== Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? ========== Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. ========== I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. ========== I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. ========== Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. ========== If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. ========== It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. ========== If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. ========== To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. ========== As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. ========== I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. ========== I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. ========== Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. ========== What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep. ========== Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. ========== During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." ========== If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. ========== When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ========== I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. ========== Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. ========== Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. ========== If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. ========== If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. ========== Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? ========== If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. ========== One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. ========== If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. ========== Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." ========== Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. ========== For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? ========== I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. ========== If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" ========== Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. ========== Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. ========== I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." ========== I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. ========== I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. ========== If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." ========== The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

THE O.J. TRIAL, AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS:

I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife.

I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a cab, then took a flight.

The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! hey, leave it be!

When I came home I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass.

I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash.

My friend, he took me for a ride. All through LA, from side to side.

From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops we could not hide.

My trial lasted for a year. A year! A year! just sitting here!

The DNA, the HEM-The HAW! The circus-hype The viewers saw!

A year! A year! just sitting here! And lawyers charge by the hour I fear!

If I'm found guilty I will appeal! Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal!

I'll wheedle and whine- I'll cut a deal! If it's "not guilty" so glad I'll feel

Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime?

I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime.

Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife.

I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not anytime.

Did you hit her from above. Did you drop this bloody glove?

I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove.

I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not kill my wife.

I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime.

And now I'm free, I can return To my house for which I yearn.

And to my family whom I love. Hey now I'm free- Give back my glove!!!!!

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?" "Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied. "Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution. The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the conductor was legally dead, so they had to release him. Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy. "Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor. "A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy. And... the same thing happened-- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites. He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart. They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest. Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution. When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber. However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners... Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc. But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!" The guy replied, "I just like bananas." So, the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!" "I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."

You can reach me by e-mail at: pagrill@mail.portup.com